Carrying each other’s burdens

One aspect of living in community and being in fellowship with others is walking through difficult seasons of life together.

Earlier this year, a friend unexpectedly lost her husband after just 2 ½ years of marriage. Eight months later she is still dealing with the shock of her loss and the pain that comes in waves. Every day she has to make the choice to get out of bed, face the day and not give in to the grief and depression lurking at her doorstep.

Another friend has struggled with ongoing health issues for almost one year. These struggles have prevented her from living a normal life and doing the activities she once enjoyed. Her body is in pain and her heart is discouraged.

Friendship includes being a friend during tough times. We all have (or know of) the type of friend who is present during the joyful seasons of life, but is miles away when we need them by our side. The world doesn’t need any more of those kinds of friends. What we need are more friends who live out the words of Galatians 6:2: Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

What exactly does it look like to be a friend and carry their burdens – especially if you’ve never personally dealt with a personal loss, debilitating disease or other life-altering struggle?

The following are a few simple suggestions for what to do, and what not to do, when supporting a friend:

Don’t make it about you.

Don’t compare your pain to theirs or your experience to their experience. In the book Choosing to See, Mary Beth Chapman provides an example of this from the funeral of her 5-year-old daughter. Funeral attenders told Mary Beth they understood her pain because they had lost a grandparent or a friend or a co-worker or a pet. When we compare our loss to theirs, it often minimizes their loss. Remember…this is about them, not you. They don’t need to hear a story about someone else who faced a similar trial. Their pain or loss is personal, so acknowledging it with a simple, “I am very sorry” is quite sufficient.

Watch what you say.

Ecclesiastes 3:7 says there is a time to be quiet and a time to speak up. Take that wisdom to heart. Sometimes it is appropriate to offer encouragement or truth, and other times, silence speaks a thousand words. Speaker and author Beth Moore says that just because it’s truth, does not mean it’s always the right thing to say. In the hospital, at the funeral, or in the midst of heartbreak may not be the appropriate time to hear James 1:2 or Romans 8:28. While those things are true, they are not timely. Speak words of truth with care.

Ease their burden.

Offer a listening ear, a shoulder to lean on or a hug. And when things need to get done, ease the load by offering a helping hand: cook a meal, run errands, watch kids, clean the house, drive them to an appointment, water flowers, or drop off a bag of groceries. We all need the support of loving, nurturing people in our lives and never more so than when trials are upon us. Simple gestures and practical acts of service speak volumes.

Let them know you care.

A profound example of caring from my own life was when a friend left a single flower in small bud vase on my doorstep with a card. She didn’t ring the doorbell or knock or ask to come in. She just drove to my home, dropped it off and left. The result was that I understood the depth to which she cared. A card, voice message or email saying, “I care about you deeply and am praying for your heart today,” can be a healing balm to a hurting heart.

When possible, be present.

Jill Briscoe, in her article Comforting Job, says: “All of us can do these two simple things for our friends. We can have a ministry of being there, and we can let our tears talk.” Being present is not always an option and it’s certainly not always the easy thing to do. Many times it is the harder choice. The easy thing is calling or dropping a note in the mail. It takes time and energy and the juggling of your schedule to go be present with someone in need. But stopping life and putting things on hold communicates the degree to which you care for another human being.

When your friends or loved ones emerge from the shadows of life’s adversity, they will recall who cared for them during their darkest days. You’ll be so glad you were one of them.